I'm not sure why shame always comes up with cryptic pregnancy. But I think a lot of the things that I have felt over these last 2 and half years have been shame. And I don't really know why... When I think about it what do I have to be ashamed of? I'm not doing anything, I'm not really in control of what is happening to my body aside from taking care of myself and things like that, but other than that I feel like I'm just along for the ride. So why do I feel shame? Maybe it comes from having this thing happening to me that is "unexplainable" and not being able to articulate it a manner that makes people feel comfortable. Maybe in some ways feeling like my body is betraying me?
I really don't know but I think maybe some of that shame comes from the way my family acts toward me about it. And what has essentially happened for the last year or so is that we just don't speak about what is going on with me. At this point we just don't actually speak on how I feel or what is going on and it is just awkward a lot of the time and I really don't know what to do about it. My family would just rather ignore it I guess and hope that it goes away I guess. But what has happened in place of this pregnancy going away is that I have gone away. I rarely see them. I make attempts once in a while when I feel like I'm in a good headspace. And usually I make it through unscathed. I guess I just feel betrayed by them and let down. I am not really asking much, they aren't going through this ultra marathon, really all I'm asking from them and anyone is to trust me and my intuition. What harm would that do? What harm would come from them asking me how I'm feeling? I would just say tired and huge. I often feel like I used all up my empathy points when I had cancer and they just can not handle another thing going on with me. The shitty thing is that this feels like a great thing to me, even though I simultaneously love and hate cryptic pregnancy. The more that I think about this fuck shame! I should feel proud that I'm making it through this without completely losing my shit.
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IMAGINE IF OUR CURRENT MEDICAL SYSTEM WAS LESS AUTHORITARIAN AND MORE OPEN TO LEARNING AND EXPLORING NEW THINGS, DIFFERENT WAYS OF HEALING AND DEALING WITH ISSUES. TREATING PATIENTS WITH RESPECT THAT THEY KNOW THEIR BODY BETTER THAN SOMEONE ELSE.
COULD YOU IMAGINE IF RATHER THAN BEING DEMONIZED OR DEEMED INSANE WE WERE EMBRACED AND THROUGH OUR JOURNEY DOCTORS AND NURSES LEARNED AND OBSERVED SO THAT IT COULD SERVE THE NEXT WOMAN GOING THROUGH THIS TYPE OF PREGNANCY. So I haven't really updated in a while but I'm pretty darn big right now. I look proper pregnant lol. I am about 2 and half years into this cryptic pregnancy. I feel as though I am near the end but I am not really in control. And even though I feel like I am near the end, who knows. I am just trusting in this process, my resiliency, and my body. There are a lot of days lately where I just want to disappear from my regular life. Forget the businesses I am running and involved with and just stay in my little oasis at home. With the health business I feel like I do not have as much of myself to give people and that is a little bit frustrating but something I'm trying to adapt to. At my other business, the deli, I feel like physically I do not have much at all and I really have no patience for waiting on customers.
Mentally I feel really great. I feel like things are happening in my life that are what I have asked for and dreamed of as far as my health business. And helping people has been so rewarding and it is what I am meant to do. I feel recently all of the work I have done to let go of things and process problems and traumas has really opened me up to feeling ready for whenever these babies are ready to come. I feel more so than ever that my heart and soul have been freed up to be open and there for these little souls. I think I am finally in a really great place for whatever comes next. |
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