For the most part I think there are a lot of times where you can be in the middle on things, generally I find it hard to be in the middle about things, especially things that I am passionate about but I can see how some people like to stay neutral. Cryptic pregnancy is not one of those things, at least anymore.

In the beginning I respected that people wanted to stay in the middle on this topic and what was happening to my body. Fine in the beginning all of this was so confusing (it still is in many regards) but as it has continued and my body has changed so much, for me, people that toe the line have become an increasingly bad distraction and something that completely drains my energy and takes me out of a good place mentally. So in the last few months I've really cracked down on not surrounding myself with people that doubt me or give off negativity about all of this, now it is either you are with me or against me. And if you're against me then you are not a part of my life anymore. And while that can be difficult the relentless negativity that you bring during every interaction is something that I can no longer tolerate. 

For most of this experience I wondered why people are so up in arms about cryptic pregnancy. Why does it offend them so much? I mean its not like they are going through it. But why does it offend them? I often think it is just their own insecurities, if we can not trust in the medical world to tell us how to have our babies and what we are supposed to do with our bodies then what will we do? Would we have to rely on ourselves? How could we do that? Things would go terribly wrong if their weren't medical people telling us what to do? Right?

Does it scare you to think that perhaps the medical world doesn't have peoples best interests, I mean I already know that with cancer and disease in general. But perhaps in the birth world they don't have peoples best interests either. I honestly think that the medical world will never recognize cryptic pregnancy because they will have to relinquish control. And admit that birth is something that is very mysterious. If doctors don't have all of the answers will people begin to doubt them? Will it create upheaval? Will women take control of their birth processes, take ownership, reclaim their power, and question the status quo? I hope so but if doctors don't recognize it, then it can't be real, right? They would rather ignore a woman and pretend that she doesn't exist than actually admit that they do not know everything and this thing called birth is one of the great mysteries of life. 

If you keep women second guessing their intuition and doubting themselves then the system has won because you will need them for everything. If you rely on tests alone to treat women then you only see them as numbers and not the complicated beings that they are, which in turn helps to create an industry with very little wiggle room for the cases that aren't typical. 

In the end why do we attack one another, what I'm doing and what I'm going through doesn't have an influence on your daily life. So why do you feel so attacked when you ask questions and I give you truthful answers. I do not know everything all I know is what is happening and what I feel and experience on a daily basis. I'm not advertising it, mostly because this shit is way too awkward to have casual conversations about. I'm not throwing myself baby showers, when you talk about your pregnancy stuff I don't really chime in, probably because I don't want the eye rolls or the negative looks. But mostly I don't chime in because my experience is way different and you can't respect it or see it as a beautiful thing. And although it is complicated, messy and not the straightforward pregnancy that everyone goes through it is still an experience and something to be learned from and treasured. 

Perhaps the medical world has cut us off so far from our intuition as women that pregnancy is something that just happens to women and not an experience to learn from. If women do not look inward anymore then we have lost our power. And if women have no say in what happens to their bodies then we keep them feeling as inferior beings. So perhaps you look at me and see a mess of a life and think Fuck she is a train wreck. But perhaps I look at you and I feel sorry for you. You have so much power within you but you stifle it. You only know what they tell you and you never feel and experience things the way they should be experienced. And forever you will be at their mercy. And eventually it will fail you. 

Maybe you lash out at me because you see me as powerful or maybe you just think I'm fucking nuts. Either way you are against me and I don't have time for any of that shit. 

So without a doubt in my mind I am pregnant. I feel the baby move constantly. I have had the baby squish my ribs a lot. And luckily for me, I found a kickass midwife, that used a doppler and we can hear the heartbeat. So there is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

My story is pretty unique and my story actually begins while I was in the midst of different health crisis. At 29 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. It was supposed to be a simple treatment and all would be well but I did not respond to treatment.  At a certain point I thought death was around the corner, when your nurses are crying and your doctor has an expressionless face at your appointment (she put her guard up all the way) I knew it was really bad. So I switched my lifestyle, my diet and used cannabis oil. And was able to get to remission. But all of the harsh treatments destroyed my body and one of the things it did was put me in menopause at the age of 30. 

So for me after all of that I tried to process everything and continue to focus on health. I also processed the fact that I would not have children. That was a rough one but I accepted it as best as I could and made peace with the fact that I allowed myself to be a guinea pig in the medical world. 

So this amazing blessing that had been given to me; a second chance at life and it was going extremely well. I was able to continue a beautiful life, experience things, travel, and find my true passion which is helping sick people through natural methods. Helping people not go down the same road I did, listening to the medical world. 

At 34 my life was about to change again. I had been feeling off for a couple months and of course my mind always goes to cancer but it didn't feel like that, I have had that growing in me and I know what that feels like, this wasn't that. And something in the back of my mind told me I was pregnant. But how could that be I was in menopause, I tried to put that out of my mind but in April 2018 something just told me to take a test. So I took 3 of them. And to my surprise they all were positive. Shocked and amazed are not even close to what I felt. So I told my boyfriend and shit, he was so excited, we had been looking into adopting and just figuring out how to go about it all, so really our dreams were coming true. So I made an appointment as quickly as I could get one because without having a period how do you know how long you have been pregnant. So we did tests and blood work. And the next day they called and said there is no way you could be pregnant. The way she said it so matter of factly was pretty shitty and just an extra slap in the face. Man that sucked but something just didn't feel right. My body didn't feel like my body. And being so in tune with it, I knew something was off.

So my symptoms persisted; tired, nauseous, weight gain, and so I made more appointments over the next few months with different midwives, specialists, and saw my oncologist twice as well because at a certain point I was worried it could be cancer again. I had 2 ultrasounds in that span. (And actually when you compare them they are very different which I did months and months later.) All the while my stomach was getting bigger and I was exercising more because everyone told me I was just getting fat. My diet had not changed so what was going on. No one would help me. In the back of my mind the whole time I just knew I was pregnant. 

The last appointment I had with someone in the medical world was with a midwife in November 2018. She barely touched my stomach and used a doppler for a couple minutes. And said she found nothing. And my ex was there and he proceeded to tell her how this was a phantom pregnancy as though I was not even in the room. The way he spoke so matter of factly and assumed that I was just losing my shit just showcased how we were on completely different wave lengths. 

So I continued to know that I was pregnant. My stomach was getting bigger and I had been feeling kicks for a few months. So in January I made an appointment with a traditional midwife who helps women like me, I found her online and I had a video appointment with her in November. So we went to see her. I told my boyfriend to stay in the car because I didn't want to feel as though I was some lunatic for trusting my body. And being spoken about as though I was not even there. She is awesome and listened to what I had to say. And she actually examined my stomach. She got like right in there and said she found a baby. We also heard the baby on the doppler moving. I was so excited, I felt heard, someone actually touched my stomach. A person that looked at me as just a regular pregnant woman, not some insane phantom pregnancy person. 

Needless to say after that my ex was so skeptical. I told him with excitement about what happened at the appointment and he had no reaction. Later telling me that he thought she was taking advantage of me and that I was most definitely not pregnant. He moved out a few weeks later and honestly it felt great. Not to be judged and to be free to truly embrace the beautiful miracle that was happening to my body. I mean lets be real this is a fucking miracle. I was made a mutant by the medical world but somehow I got pregnant against all the odds. For a long time I was so mad at the medical world because they made me a mutant and then when I went to them for help they could not be bothered to help me at all or look at the whole picture. Now I am happy that they did that, I have been sent down a different path and have had to figure out a different way to tackle my pregnancy and my new life. And it has been a struggle and challenging and it still is but I just have to believe in myself and do the best I can. That's all any of us can do. 

So I have continued having appointments with the midwife. Baby is pretty big now and the heartbeat is way easier to find which is cool.  Also I have been using a fetoscope and can hear the heartbeat as well. I can feel the baby move all the time and I can feel it on the outside which is really fun. 

Physically it has been challenging, ever since my chemotherapy and stem cell transplant I have not been the same. Although I have worked very hard to get my body back to what it was, it will never be that again and so I think that has made this a bit more difficult because I am going on about a year and a half. And fatigue has been a big issue for me. At this point I am just taking it day by day. There are ups and downs like anything and some days I think fuck I can't do this anymore, how can I successfully run two businesses and be on my feet so much, and keep my shit together. And then there are other days when I can be fully immersed in it and just revel in the beauty that this cryptic pregnancy experience is and has been.

A lot of times I think of this quote when I try to rationalize how my cryptic pregnancy came to be.
Also you just have to laugh sometimes. 
https://youtu.be/oijEsqT2QKQ 

Much love,
Jen 

1. Cryptic Pregnancy is real. Your partner or loved one is going through something very real regardless of what tests, doctors, and the medical world believe. The medical world only focuses on tests and while for most women that is enough, it is not in the case in cryptic pregnancy. Nothing is fool proof and as much as the medical world wants everyone to fit inside a neat little box, that's not the case. One size fits all medicine doesn't work with disease and it really doesn't work with cryptic pregnancy. Doctors do not take into account the whole story, to them this woman is just a number and test results. They never take into account her intuition or the fact that she knows her body better than a doctor. In the first 6 months of my cryptic pregnancy I went to seven different medical professionals, midwives, obgyns, even my oncologist twice, and not one person actually touched my stomach. In fact I went to specialist and I sat in her office for 45 minutes while we talked about my symptoms. At one of my appointments with an OB I asked her why I was gaining so much weight in my abdomen and she told me that sometimes throughout the day you swallow a lot of hot air and that was why my stomach was hard and distended. 

2. Each cryptic pregnancy is different and can be completely different experiences from one woman to the next. One woman could be pregnant for 9 months and not get medical confirmation, while another woman could be pregnant for much longer. Currently I'm in the midst of the latter, it has been at least a year and a half. 
    a. If she is the category of going past the typical 9 months please do not ask when she is due. And please do not tell her to go see a doctor. She has and it is torture. There is already a huge back and forth within a woman's mind when she goes past a year. And so much of that has to do with her throwing out all of those preconceived notions about what is typical during pregnancy. 
     b. In the same breathe you also need to work on throwing out those preconceived notions, if you are going to be properly supportive. There is nothing worse than feeling constantly judged or second guessed by the ones that you love. On a side note my ex was really great at judging and second guessing me, and there are too many stories from him, to family, to friends, to really adequately equate how painful all of it has been. Perhaps another post is in order. They range from funny to horribly belittling.
              *** If you are a woman going through this know that you are beautiful, powerful, and capable. You will get through this do not allow others to dictate how you feel about yourself and or this pregnancy. Trust in yourself and your intuition and know that you are enough. 

3. Be there for her just as you would any other pregnant woman. She is going through the same things typical pregnant women go through. She might need someone to speak with in moments of self doubt. She might just need someone to help her around the house or get her something she's craving. Just be there for her. It doesn't have to be anything special just be there for her in a place where she feels safe and not judged. Pregnancy is not easy and cryptic pregnancy is a particularly difficult experience. 

4. Trust in her instincts and intuition. If she feels a certain way or says things are going on, trust her. This woman is in your life for a reason whether as a partner or loved one. Why would she lie to you about this, why would any woman want to deal with cryptic pregnancy. I will be honest for me right now, it is definitely not sunshine and rainbows. My feet are swollen, I feel like a huge whale, I'm tired, I'm nauseous, and in general just over it. Why would I want this to be my reality for months. I enjoy being active and right now I'm really good at laying down. 

5. Go with the flow. I learned early on the harder I tried to rationalize things and brush them off the more internal turmoil I felt. We as women are just doing the best we can in the moment. And you as the support person need to see that and in turn go with the flow. If you go against the river it is much harder than going with it. Our bodies are in control of this and we just have to go with this mysterious river or else it will swallow us. It is not always easy but please for her sake, please try your very best. 

6. Love your cryptic pregnancy woman. She is a warrior and you are incredibly lucky to have such a fucking, amazing woman in your life. 


Much love,
Jen (CP haver lol, 18 months)