You are alone in cryptic pregnancy. I wish that I could say that you would have support from friends and family but that is just not the case. You will lose most of your friends and your family. They will think that you are crazy and they will not be able to understand. I say this not to cause shock and hurt to other women going through this but I say this so that you know. You should know that you will have no support from your loved ones. Its easier if you just accept it. Early on just realize that this is going to be a long, lonely, bumpy road. Have no expectations from anyone aside from yourself. Perhaps that is a good lesson in life. You can only rely on yourself. 

So keep this cryptic pregnancy quiet, don't share if you suspect you are having a cryptic pregnancy, don't do it. You probably will and you will 100% regret it like me. I wish I never told anyone. I'm fucking serious. No one. Only your dog but he already knows....

I'm saying all of this because I have experienced the complete isolation that this pregnancy will bring you. Its a difficult transition especially if you have had family and friends support you in your life. For me they all could understand cancer and support that but this they can not grasp and understand. And I think that's ok. You just have to make peace with that. To be honest this quarantine, covid life really doesn't feel much different from the life I have been leading for the last year or so. This is when everyone has sort of dropped me and at this point its just very weird to be around anyone because their judgment and their doubt makes things unbearable. Especially when you have really begun to accept all of this and embrace it. 

Here's the good news. I know all of this sounds horribly depressing and I'm sorry to be so blunt but you can only rely on yourself for anything. There will be no one to help you do anything and you should be proud that you are doing this shit on your own. Empower yourself. Learn, read, listen as much as possible. Learn about prenatal care, learn about herbs, learn about birth because most likely you will be doing all of this on your own. You can do this. Learn about yourself and who you truly are and what you want from life and motherhood. Embrace this solitude as a way to grow and truly transform as a person. 

This is not an easy experience but if you can embrace it you can gain so much knowledge and so much power. 


A little side note. I own a deli and I am on my feet a lot. And about this time last year my feet and knees became very swollen. My feet to the point where I have not been able to wiggle my toes. And had to wear my hiking boots to work. But since this covid/quarantine thing has been going on and I have reduced my hours at work. For the last couple weeks I've been able to wiggle my toes. Just being off my feet has been an incredible thing. I never thought that I would be so happy to wiggle my toes. Just being able to rest has been so very needed and I feel like a human again. Not just dragging through life, trying to make it through but now taking deep breathes and remembering the simple, good things. 

"Why don't you go see a doctor?" I think this is probably my favorite question. Gee, I never thought of that... Doctor what is this mythical, all knowing creature you speak of?.... When I go to them they will magically fix all of this and make it better? One appointment and everything will be sorted out, right? All right, now I'm just being an asshole.

Yes I have seen doctors, I've seen 3 different OBGYNs, 2 midwives (1 affiliated with a hospital and 1 a home birth midwife) a fertility specialist, and my oncologist twice!!

A few things stick out in my mind from all of these appointments. My first appointment, 2 years ago actually this month. The doctor gave me an internal exam and said that my uterus felt to be about 8 weeks. I had an ultrasound a week later because that doctors office said even though I had an HCG of 5 the rest of my hormone levels were post-menopausal. For those that don't know I was put into menopause at 30 because of cancer treatments, my pregnancy began when I was 34. So I had an ultrasound for fear that I had cancer again and that what was making my HCG elevated. That ultrasound showed nothing, nothing wrong but nothing there. Also the ultrasound tech was a real peach, she said "What's the big deal? I couldn't have kids either. I don't see anything." So this was all April 2018. 

Symptoms continued all the typical I'm pregnant stuff, which I have become so accustomed to over these 2 years I don't really even notice when I feel like I'm going to throw up anymore. I had a couple other appointments as I just knew something was going on. Probably my ultimate favorite thing that a doctor said when I asked why I was nauseous and my stomach was hard and distended? And she replied, "Sometimes throughout the day you swallow a lot of air." Yep she said that. 

So next I went to a fertility specialist on the referral of a midwife at Yale that I had seen, my hope was that she had seen some odd things and could point me in the right direction. This appointment was a complete and utter waste of time and waste of money. I was there for an hour, in an office for about 40 minutes where an intern I discussed my symptoms and medical history. The actual specialist came in for about 5 minutes and had nothing much to say. The whole time no one examined me, I just sat in room and they made me feel crazy. I kept saying why am I having all of these symptoms, why is my HCG elevated, why this and why that? There were no logical answers they could provide and there was also no attempt to really sit down and listen to my symptoms. They just brushed them off. They did order an ultrasound and I think the only reason they did that was because I had cancer and they were leaning to it being some really rare cancer. In my heart I knew that is wasn't cancer but I wanted that ultrasound so I took it.

So I had the ultrasound in July 2018. And the tech was very nice and was like wow your bowels seem very full, which later on I interpreted as slower digestion which is what happens when you are pregnant. She also left me a little gift when she was done and left the room. She left the pictures up and  pointing so I could see, there were a bunch of pictures with arrows pointing to a little something. And I thought for sure that the doctors office would call me saying that I was in fact pregnant. But when they called they told me I just had a 5mm fibroid. I asked why would I suddenly get a fibroid when there hadn't been one before? Since I had been doing a lot of research I asked if the my estrogen is so low, then how could I all of sudden have a fibroid since fibroids are produced generally because of estrogen? There was no response. And I took the hint that I was going to get no where with this and hung up. 

About a month later I logged into my hospital account and compared the 2 ultrasounds. Not one doctor could do that, glad I spent all that money on their expertise. So the ultrasound in April 2018 showed nothing much of interest. But when comparing it to my ultrasound in July 2018 there was a noticeable difference. First the 5mm fibroid that suddenly appeared. Next my ovaries were significantly larger and I remember a midwife telling me that the ovaries get bigger in the early stage of pregnancy because they are doing a bit more work. Next my uterine lining was about and inch thicker. Why would all of that be happening if I truly were post-menopausal? It was also confusing for me at that point because I knew so little about cryptic pregnancy and it was really hard to grasp the slow growth rate. 

So in August 2018 I went to my oncologist. I went for some routine bloodwork and honestly she was my last hope in the medical world. While I didn't always agree with her, she had seemed like a good person to me and knew that I was not crazy and maybe she could help me. My blood work all looked great and my HCG was once again 5. The funny thing is when she was examining me she would normally examine my spleen to look for swelling, Hodgkins can sometimes pop up there. But she didn't do that this time. I didn't really think twice. You would think with something clearly going on that there would be some concern from her especially with my medical history. She said "I'm not sure what is going on but come back in 6-8 weeks and we will see if anything has changed." Ok I thought that's something. So I went back in early October, hoping maybe she had stumbled upon some obscure medical journal, I often spoke to her about studies and things when concerning my cancer so she knew I was a person that tried to be as informed as possible. So I go back, get blood work. All great. HCG still 5. She doesn't examine me. I tell her what I eat and tell her I don't understand why I am gaining all this weight. I had upped my exercise and I ate a plant based mainly vegan diet. She googled a couple things and brought them to my attention and I said yes I have seen this already. Then she said " I don't really know why you are here?" And that was it. And as I was going to leave she said "You should probably just starting eating cookies and things again." Wow my last little bit of hope in the medical world. I decided right there that I would never go back. 

Next I had a midwife come to my house. She was kind of a hippie midwife and someone recommend that I would really like her. I didn't and just because I'm kind of a hippie doesn't mean I want some flaky person around me. I thought she would be less medicalized when they said hippie. But no she was a completely medicalized midwife just following all the rules. She was kind of a fake hippie and I just don't vibe with that. Anyway she brought out her doppler and I told her I felt things on my left side. And she said well then the baby would be on your right. So she tried for about a minute on the right side and heard nothing and I asked if she would move the doppler to the left a bit. But she said that made no sense. And spent another couple minutes and said that she heard nothing. Then my ex and her proceeded to speak about phantom pregnancy as if I were not there. And when she left he acted like nothing was wrong and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Truly, an empathetic human, hahaha. EYE ROLL. 

So that was it for medicalized people. I tried. They did not. Would you go to another medicalized person if you were me?

Luckily I found Anshin, I saw her in January 2019 and she was the first person to actually put her hands on my belly and really feel around and get in there. And surprise she found someone. She couldn't quite get a heartbeat but we could hear movement. I think the next appointment we heard a heartbeat. She took the time, had patience finding the baby, and listened to what I was saying. I went in trying to rationalize but I didn't need to do that with her. I told her what was going on she listened and there was no need to justify. She didn't make me feel crazy. And we didn't have a 15 minute appointment (oncologist) or 40 minute bullshit appointment where you just ignore everything I say.  

PART 2.

Well what about when you go into labor? You will go to a doctor then, right?

There is always a second part to this doctor question. Well what will you do when you go into labor? (Also I do pick up on that note of sarcasm in your voice when you say that to me, so go fuck off!)

For me the answer is no. I will not be going to a doctor when I go into labor. So what I did because I had absolutely no birth knowledge what so ever is a I began to read everything that I could. I began watching videos and just tried to immerse myself into the birth world as much as possible and gain as much knowledge as I could. I even took a very long, in depth, great course called 13 moons on indiebirth.com. I highly recommend it for women dealing with cryptic pregnancy and you normals out there too. 

Obviously knowledge is power and for me knowledge equates to owning my experience. And a lot of stress relief. I don't know what will happen but I have prepared myself as best as I possibly can. Now I must just trust and believe that everything will happen and be as it should. I believe in myself, in my babies, my intuition, and the universe (God, Allah, Buddha, Ancestors, Gods, whatever energy is out there I'm going with it)