Shame

I'm not sure why shame always comes up with cryptic pregnancy. But I think a lot of the things that I have felt over these last 2 and half years have been shame. And I don't really know why... When I think about it what do I have to be ashamed of? I'm not doing anything, I'm not really in control of what is happening to my body aside from taking care of myself and things like that, but other than that I feel like I'm just along for the ride. So why do I feel shame? Maybe it comes from having this thing happening to me that is "unexplainable" and not being able to articulate it a manner that makes people feel comfortable. Maybe in some ways feeling like my body is betraying me?

I really don't know but I think maybe some of that shame comes from the way my family acts toward me about it. And what has essentially happened for the last year or so is that we just don't speak about what is going on with me. At this point we just don't actually speak on how I feel or what is going on and it is just awkward a lot of the time and I really don't know what to do about it. My family would just rather ignore it I guess and hope that it goes away I guess. But what has happened in place of this pregnancy going away is that I have gone away. I rarely see them. I make attempts once in a while when I feel like I'm in a good headspace. And usually I make it through unscathed.

I guess I just feel betrayed by them and let down. I am not really asking much, they aren't going through this ultra marathon, really all I'm asking from them and anyone is to trust me and my intuition. What harm would that do? What harm would come from them asking me how I'm feeling? I would just say tired and huge. I often feel like I used all up my empathy points when I had cancer and they just can not handle another thing going on with me. The shitty thing is that this feels like a great thing to me, even though I simultaneously love and hate cryptic pregnancy.

The more that I think about this fuck shame! I should feel proud that I'm making it through this without completely losing my shit.