I don't want Children.....

" I don't want children", this was something that I really felt from age 29 to 33. Recently I have been diving deep and trying to clear some blocked emotions and this is something that I truly needed to process and have been working on letting go. The reason that from 29 to 33 I did not want children was because I was dealing with cancer and the aftermath of cancer and cancer treatments. First of all I was in menopause so the likelihood of getting pregnant was pretty much non existent, my hormone levels at a certain point showed I was past menopause. And I did not want to think about adopting.

Cancer changed my life obviously in many bad ways and many good ways too. And on the bad side of change I was left feeling like cancer was always haunting me and even taunting me at times. If I would get some normalcy it would say nope, you are not doing that I am going to mess with you, you can not be a normal person. You can not plan a future or have hopes and dreams. Cancer will always control you. 

When you think about having kids, its all about the future, you will be there for them for a very long time, to take care of them and to love them. In the midst of all that had gone on with my health I just could not see that and it seemed foolish to me to want children and almost irresponsible. I always thought if their mom died how much I would fuck them up. At that point I was thinking what a horrible thing I would be doing by adopting (on a side note many adoption agencies will not deal with someone that has had cancer). What if I were to get sick again and die? Where would that leave my child? I said that to a few people and the common response was "well you could go outside and get hit by a car" and that response is complete and utter bull shit. I get the idea, we all do not know what is in store for us or when our time will come to an end. But for a while it seemed like I was in a game of frogger and I had one leg and a rock tied to the other leg. 

So I think that I have held onto this for a while. This fear that I won't be there for my children and that not having a mom will completely fuck them up. Being single and not having much support also adds to this but as more time has passed the cancer monster does not haunt me as much. It will probably always still pop up once in a while but it won't rule my every waking thought.
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So I am just trying to let this go. I am very healthy now and I am doing all that I can to remain healthy. And at the end of the day that is all I can do.