I remember in my early reading and searching for anything cryptic pregnancy related I came across something from a woman who had been through one herself and she said " Whatever you do, do not tell anyone about your pregnancy." And I read that and I thought that's interesting, I mean surely I can tell my friends and my family, right?  Well after 20 months into this pregnancy I realized, shit, she was right. Don't tell anyone, don't tell your parents, don't tell your friends, your aunt, your neighbor, please take it from me just don't tell anyone about it. 

When people asked me about gaining weight, I should have just said I was getting fat or I had a hormonal imbalance, anything because the shit that people are saying to me now is the stuff of nightmares. And I realize it is not their fault in many regards we are brainwashed by the medical world and there can be no deviation from that, but also the things they are saying to me now means that this whole time they have truly not listened to me or trusted what I was saying to them. And I think that is the part that cuts so deeply.

I often think how much easier this whole process would be without the outside world, if I could just stay incubated in my little nest, just enjoying the process and learning from the process. Without the outside whispers or opinions on what I need to be doing and who I need to be seeing and that there must be something wrong. I hate that people can force their opinions on you and that's the be all and end all, especially when they have not been there for you throughout this process. Those that have been there throughout this process see what it is and understand that it does not fit a typical timeline and we just have to trust in the process. I hate that people project their pregnancy problems on you, "well I could never have babies naturally," "the doctor said my hips were too small and I needed a c-section", "my babies never moved to the birth canal",  "I could never feel my babies move but at least I had ultrasounds all the time". Those were just a few that I heard in the last couple weeks and they say all of this to scare you and pass judgement. I have gotten to a good place mentally and really have been able to block out these things from invading my mental state. In the beginning of this I couldn't and I'm thankful that this pregnancy has taught me how to really do that because those things people said to me would have really shaken me up.

So if you are just beginning this process please, please just listen to me and learn from me, don't tell anyone. Don't do it. You will be happy that you didn't. And if you need someone to speak with I'm here, you can always email me at [email protected]
There is also an amazing midwife that has helped me out so much and she is a great resource. You can check her out here https://crypticpregnancytraditionalmidwifery.weebly.com
Also this is the theme song for this post from some of my favorite people. "I don't need no one at night to tell me I'm all right" Maggie says it perfectly. 

Validation- recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Throughout this experience I have craved validation. In the last few months it has really waned but for so long I wanted validation in many ways. I wanted validation from someone in the medical world that what I was experiencing was in fact a real phenomena. After many fruitless attempts I gave up on that, at this point I could probably go to someone in the medical world and my pregnancy would be confirmed. But I do not want to devalue my experience because if I told them what was really going on they would scoff and completely write me off as insane. 

For a long while I really craved validation from my ex. Wanting understanding and unconditional support and love from your boyfriend and the father of your babies is kind of a no brainer most would think. But he couldn't handle it and he couldn't fully trust and believe in me. And as the doubts grew and grew I began to see so many holes in our relationship and the way he portrayed himself was not who he truly is or was. At this point I haven't spoken with him in about 6 months and I have no intention of contacting him. Mostly I feel as though he's never really a thought in my mind, he's on the dead to me list. Its a place where I have no active feelings toward him in any way. I don't actively hate him and I really don't give his existence any thought. 

Lately my need for validation from my family and mainly my mom has been a rough thing to process. Over the summer my mom apologized to me for not being more supportive and that felt really great but since then I feel like she has disappeared. I get that its awkward because its not the norm, when she asks me questions and I give straightforward, honest answers it doesn't seem to be good enough. And all I feel when I see her is doubt and judgement that I'm making the wrong choices and that something is wrong. I've begun to question why do I want validation from her. And I've come to the conclusion that when you are vulnerable you want the people in your life to understand you and believe in you. 

So right now I've gotten past receiving validation from the medical world and my ex. But the one I'm struggling with is my mom. With the first two I have written them off. They don't exist to me any more. But if that's the way it has gone, then for me to feel good about this I have to put her on the dead to me list. And maybe I should, the judgement, the negative thoughts and negative energy is not something I really want to be around. When this is over does she come off the dead to me list? Can I just forget it? Right now I feel like I can't and I hope that will change...

Without validation does a person or experience cease to exist. I guess that's what that tree falling in the woods thing was all about. If you are pregnant but no one validates it then are you pregnant? Of course I'm fucking pregnant but only in my world. And in their world I'm just some pathetic, insane woman. But maybe without validation I become stronger and more resilient. Maybe without needing validation I can tap into a deeper inner knowledge and knowing within myself. Maybe this is one of the things that cryptic pregnancy is meant to teach us. Our experiences are real and they exist whether you see the tree fall or not.