Invisible...perhaps that is how I have felt my whole life.  Always overlooked, always forgotten about, never really that important....

And now with my family and friends everything that I am going through is ignored and passed over. Not a word is spoken about any of this and has not been probably for about a year. So I live in the shadows, we had a birthday party for my mom and I just hid in the corners. Multiple people came up  to me at the end and said "Oh I must have missed you..." Ya missed me haha. 

I've gotten really good at hiding in the shadows and maybe I've been doing that in some ways my whole life. At this point I need to protect our energy and now I just attend things that feel right. Always having your guard up and having to deal with the looks and whispers drains me immensely and why would I want to put myself in situations like that, right now I feel like I have done so much to clear all the shit that does not serve us anymore, there's still a bit because there will always be a little shit but right now I feel like I am in such a good space mentally. I feel like my heart is full and I am just embracing and ready for what will come next on this journey....

I'm done fighting to convince people, I'm over it, I just can not and will not do it anymore. In the beginning I fell into the trap of always to trying to justify my experience and justify what is happening. But not anymore, it is not worth my time or energy. There is nothing I can say to change people's minds. In the end all that I have ever asked for is for the people in my life to trust me, to trust my instincts, and to take a look at what is physically happening. Look at the whole picture, even just feel my stomach because when you do that I imagine you would have a very hard time denying what is happening. I guess the unknown is truly terrifying for them and they would rather not acknowledge me or my pregnancy. 

About a year ago I gave up trying to convince people with little relapses in between. I made a mistake the other day and spoke about my pregnancy and someone that I trusted not to degrade me (at least not to my face), I know he is a skeptic and he said something that stung me, it got me right in my heart. He said that he spoke with a Neo-natal nurse and said the longest pregnancy is a year and that I should probably go speak with the people at the Guinness Book of World Records. Ouch, that one hurt. I just forgot and let my guard down. But no more, why did I forget, I know better, fuck. Back to being invisible....

You are alone in cryptic pregnancy. I wish that I could say that you would have support from friends and family but that is just not the case. You will lose most of your friends and your family. They will think that you are crazy and they will not be able to understand. I say this not to cause shock and hurt to other women going through this but I say this so that you know. You should know that you will have no support from your loved ones. Its easier if you just accept it. Early on just realize that this is going to be a long, lonely, bumpy road. Have no expectations from anyone aside from yourself. Perhaps that is a good lesson in life. You can only rely on yourself. 

So keep this cryptic pregnancy quiet, don't share if you suspect you are having a cryptic pregnancy, don't do it. You probably will and you will 100% regret it like me. I wish I never told anyone. I'm fucking serious. No one. Only your dog but he already knows....

I'm saying all of this because I have experienced the complete isolation that this pregnancy will bring you. Its a difficult transition especially if you have had family and friends support you in your life. For me they all could understand cancer and support that but this they can not grasp and understand. And I think that's ok. You just have to make peace with that. To be honest this quarantine, covid life really doesn't feel much different from the life I have been leading for the last year or so. This is when everyone has sort of dropped me and at this point its just very weird to be around anyone because their judgment and their doubt makes things unbearable. Especially when you have really begun to accept all of this and embrace it. 

Here's the good news. I know all of this sounds horribly depressing and I'm sorry to be so blunt but you can only rely on yourself for anything. There will be no one to help you do anything and you should be proud that you are doing this shit on your own. Empower yourself. Learn, read, listen as much as possible. Learn about prenatal care, learn about herbs, learn about birth because most likely you will be doing all of this on your own. You can do this. Learn about yourself and who you truly are and what you want from life and motherhood. Embrace this solitude as a way to grow and truly transform as a person. 

This is not an easy experience but if you can embrace it you can gain so much knowledge and so much power. 


A little side note. I own a deli and I am on my feet a lot. And about this time last year my feet and knees became very swollen. My feet to the point where I have not been able to wiggle my toes. And had to wear my hiking boots to work. But since this covid/quarantine thing has been going on and I have reduced my hours at work. For the last couple weeks I've been able to wiggle my toes. Just being off my feet has been an incredible thing. I never thought that I would be so happy to wiggle my toes. Just being able to rest has been so very needed and I feel like a human again. Not just dragging through life, trying to make it through but now taking deep breathes and remembering the simple, good things.