Epic Meltdown

I am about 2 years into this cryptic pregnancy and most days I feel completely balanced, I feel in tune with my body and I am just trying to embrace the unknown mystery that is cryptic pregnancy. I think I have processed a lot of emotions and I think that has helped me keep my head above water on this for the most part. After the first year, I have become more steady and the fragility that words and judgement can bring do not tear me down nearly as much as they did that first year.

I've found that keeping a positive mind set is key to keeping this pregnancy progressing and for keeping me in a great state of mind. I hate that pity me mind set and it bothers me when people are constantly in that mind set. 

But the other day I just completely and utterly lost it. I was attempting to move some stuff around the house and fix a few things. And of course things like that never go as planned. And I got frustrated, probably add in that I am just completely exhausted and haven't had time off in about 2 years. And a lot of days I just feel like I'm existing, go to work, try to eat healthy, rest when I can at work, so I'm not on my feet all day. Come home, take a bath, use a heating pad, and use some of my pain creams. Go to bed and hope I can get comfortable and get as much sleep as I can. And repeat. So I think that added to it but who knows maybe I needed this meltdown.

The meltdown began in a moment of frustration with the stupid thing I couldn't do and turned to why does everything have to be so difficult? I know pregnancy is not easy in a regular scenario but fuck this shit is down right brutal. Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't labor just start? Why is everything so straightforward for everyone else, all my friends and family that have had babies in the last 2 years? (About 9 lol) Why can't I just be normal? Why can't this pregnancy just be normal? Why me? After a few minutes of streaming tears I began to laugh, I mean this shit is just hilarious and its so fucked up to be so alone and have no support. So picture this I'm in my basement, sitting in the midst of an attempted home improvement project, and I am simultaneously bawling my eyes out and laughing. Its pretty hilarious looking back at it. After about 5 mins I calmed down and chilled out. And I was back to a good head space almost immediately. I'm not sure where it all went wrong but maybe I needed that meltdown, a feel sorry for myself minute and then back to it. I guess sometimes you really have to let yourself sink just for a bit to realize how much better things are when your head is above water.