You are either with me or against me....

For the most part I think there are a lot of times where you can be in the middle on things, generally I find it hard to be in the middle about things, especially things that I am passionate about but I can see how some people like to stay neutral. Cryptic pregnancy is not one of those things, at least anymore.

In the beginning I respected that people wanted to stay in the middle on this topic and what was happening to my body. Fine in the beginning all of this was so confusing (it still is in many regards) but as it has continued and my body has changed so much, for me, people that toe the line have become an increasingly bad distraction and something that completely drains my energy and takes me out of a good place mentally. So in the last few months I've really cracked down on not surrounding myself with people that doubt me or give off negativity about all of this, now it is either you are with me or against me. And if you're against me then you are not a part of my life anymore. And while that can be difficult the relentless negativity that you bring during every interaction is something that I can no longer tolerate. 

For most of this experience I wondered why people are so up in arms about cryptic pregnancy. Why does it offend them so much? I mean its not like they are going through it. But why does it offend them? I often think it is just their own insecurities, if we can not trust in the medical world to tell us how to have our babies and what we are supposed to do with our bodies then what will we do? Would we have to rely on ourselves? How could we do that? Things would go terribly wrong if their weren't medical people telling us what to do? Right?

Does it scare you to think that perhaps the medical world doesn't have peoples best interests, I mean I already know that with cancer and disease in general. But perhaps in the birth world they don't have peoples best interests either. I honestly think that the medical world will never recognize cryptic pregnancy because they will have to relinquish control. And admit that birth is something that is very mysterious. If doctors don't have all of the answers will people begin to doubt them? Will it create upheaval? Will women take control of their birth processes, take ownership, reclaim their power, and question the status quo? I hope so but if doctors don't recognize it, then it can't be real, right? They would rather ignore a woman and pretend that she doesn't exist than actually admit that they do not know everything and this thing called birth is one of the great mysteries of life. 

If you keep women second guessing their intuition and doubting themselves then the system has won because you will need them for everything. If you rely on tests alone to treat women then you only see them as numbers and not the complicated beings that they are, which in turn helps to create an industry with very little wiggle room for the cases that aren't typical. 

In the end why do we attack one another, what I'm doing and what I'm going through doesn't have an influence on your daily life. So why do you feel so attacked when you ask questions and I give you truthful answers. I do not know everything all I know is what is happening and what I feel and experience on a daily basis. I'm not advertising it, mostly because this shit is way too awkward to have casual conversations about. I'm not throwing myself baby showers, when you talk about your pregnancy stuff I don't really chime in, probably because I don't want the eye rolls or the negative looks. But mostly I don't chime in because my experience is way different and you can't respect it or see it as a beautiful thing. And although it is complicated, messy and not the straightforward pregnancy that everyone goes through it is still an experience and something to be learned from and treasured. 

Perhaps the medical world has cut us off so far from our intuition as women that pregnancy is something that just happens to women and not an experience to learn from. If women do not look inward anymore then we have lost our power. And if women have no say in what happens to their bodies then we keep them feeling as inferior beings. So perhaps you look at me and see a mess of a life and think Fuck she is a train wreck. But perhaps I look at you and I feel sorry for you. You have so much power within you but you stifle it. You only know what they tell you and you never feel and experience things the way they should be experienced. And forever you will be at their mercy. And eventually it will fail you. 

Maybe you lash out at me because you see me as powerful or maybe you just think I'm fucking nuts. Either way you are against me and I don't have time for any of that shit.