What am i doing wrong?

"What am I doing wrong?", this has been a question that has plagued me from the very beginning of this pregnancy. 

In the beginning it was "why am I not getting test results? Why are they all negative? Why will no one listen to me? Why will no one examine me? Why will no one believe me? Why will no one support me? Why doesn't anyone trust my intuition and my knowledge of my body and myself?"

The longer that this has gone on those questions have remained but are now on the back burner. Perhaps those questions are ones that I have mostly made my peace with, and I know that I won't get answers and support that I need and at this point it is mostly ok. 

But there are new questions that are more at the forefront these days. They consume my daily thoughts; questions like "Is there something more that I can be doing to help this process along?" Whether it be herbs, diet, mindset; I am trying my best to make sure those are always in consideration. I'm trying to keep my diet as pure and good as I possibly can, I'm trying to listen to my body to see what herbs it wants me to take. And as far as mind set goes I'm trying to remain positive, I'm also trying to let things go and process any mental shit I have clogging up my brain and body. But it still always comes back to "what am I doing wrong?"

Then I go deeper karmically speaking "have I done something wrong to deserve this? Am I being punished for things in my past? Is life always supposed to be such a brutal place with struggles that seem endless?" And not all of my life seems particularly brutal, professionally I have been able to begin to merge a passion with a career. But fuck, sometimes this shit gets so heavy I feel like I can't breathe. And I all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs but the weight of it all consumes me, stifles me. 

Once in a great while I ask "why me? What did I do wrong to deserve this?" I try not go to this place ever, I try not to let these thoughts, in particular, invade my internal conversation. This is one of the great gifts cancer gave me, I learned very quickly that this is a terrible mindset. Self-pity, the feel sorry for me attitude, is such a detrimental mindset but every once in a while you say it to yourself because everyone else around experiences as close to a normal life as possible. Normal pregnancies with joy, love, support, and happiness. 

But I keep trying to remind myself when this all feels like too much to bear that I am lucky that this is even happening, that this journey is teaching me so many things and making me examine myself, my relationships, and the world in a different way. And for that I am grateful for this experience. I can and will persevere, and I don't know what the future holds but all I can do is embrace the here and the now and do the best with situations I face. 

Love to all of you experiencing this.