Validation....

Validation- recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Throughout this experience I have craved validation. In the last few months it has really waned but for so long I wanted validation in many ways. I wanted validation from someone in the medical world that what I was experiencing was in fact a real phenomena. After many fruitless attempts I gave up on that, at this point I could probably go to someone in the medical world and my pregnancy would be confirmed. But I do not want to devalue my experience because if I told them what was really going on they would scoff and completely write me off as insane. 

For a long while I really craved validation from my ex. Wanting understanding and unconditional support and love from your boyfriend and the father of your babies is kind of a no brainer most would think. But he couldn't handle it and he couldn't fully trust and believe in me. And as the doubts grew and grew I began to see so many holes in our relationship and the way he portrayed himself was not who he truly is or was. At this point I haven't spoken with him in about 6 months and I have no intention of contacting him. Mostly I feel as though he's never really a thought in my mind, he's on the dead to me list. Its a place where I have no active feelings toward him in any way. I don't actively hate him and I really don't give his existence any thought. 

Lately my need for validation from my family and mainly my mom has been a rough thing to process. Over the summer my mom apologized to me for not being more supportive and that felt really great but since then I feel like she has disappeared. I get that its awkward because its not the norm, when she asks me questions and I give straightforward, honest answers it doesn't seem to be good enough. And all I feel when I see her is doubt and judgement that I'm making the wrong choices and that something is wrong. I've begun to question why do I want validation from her. And I've come to the conclusion that when you are vulnerable you want the people in your life to understand you and believe in you. 

So right now I've gotten past receiving validation from the medical world and my ex. But the one I'm struggling with is my mom. With the first two I have written them off. They don't exist to me any more. But if that's the way it has gone, then for me to feel good about this I have to put her on the dead to me list. And maybe I should, the judgement, the negative thoughts and negative energy is not something I really want to be around. When this is over does she come off the dead to me list? Can I just forget it? Right now I feel like I can't and I hope that will change...

Without validation does a person or experience cease to exist. I guess that's what that tree falling in the woods thing was all about. If you are pregnant but no one validates it then are you pregnant? Of course I'm fucking pregnant but only in my world. And in their world I'm just some pathetic, insane woman. But maybe without validation I become stronger and more resilient. Maybe without needing validation I can tap into a deeper inner knowledge and knowing within myself. Maybe this is one of the things that cryptic pregnancy is meant to teach us. Our experiences are real and they exist whether you see the tree fall or not.