"Why don't you go see a doctor?" I think this is probably my favorite question. Gee, I never thought of that... Doctor what is this mythical, all knowing creature you speak of?.... When I go to them they will magically fix all of this and make it better? One appointment and everything will be sorted out, right? All right, now I'm just being an asshole.

Yes I have seen doctors, I've seen 3 different OBGYNs, 2 midwives (1 affiliated with a hospital and 1 a home birth midwife) a fertility specialist, and my oncologist twice!!

A few things stick out in my mind from all of these appointments. My first appointment, 2 years ago actually this month. The doctor gave me an internal exam and said that my uterus felt to be about 8 weeks. I had an ultrasound a week later because that doctors office said even though I had an HCG of 5 the rest of my hormone levels were post-menopausal. For those that don't know I was put into menopause at 30 because of cancer treatments, my pregnancy began when I was 34. So I had an ultrasound for fear that I had cancer again and that what was making my HCG elevated. That ultrasound showed nothing, nothing wrong but nothing there. Also the ultrasound tech was a real peach, she said "What's the big deal? I couldn't have kids either. I don't see anything." So this was all April 2018. 

Symptoms continued all the typical I'm pregnant stuff, which I have become so accustomed to over these 2 years I don't really even notice when I feel like I'm going to throw up anymore. I had a couple other appointments as I just knew something was going on. Probably my ultimate favorite thing that a doctor said when I asked why I was nauseous and my stomach was hard and distended? And she replied, "Sometimes throughout the day you swallow a lot of air." Yep she said that. 

So next I went to a fertility specialist on the referral of a midwife at Yale that I had seen, my hope was that she had seen some odd things and could point me in the right direction. This appointment was a complete and utter waste of time and waste of money. I was there for an hour, in an office for about 40 minutes where an intern I discussed my symptoms and medical history. The actual specialist came in for about 5 minutes and had nothing much to say. The whole time no one examined me, I just sat in room and they made me feel crazy. I kept saying why am I having all of these symptoms, why is my HCG elevated, why this and why that? There were no logical answers they could provide and there was also no attempt to really sit down and listen to my symptoms. They just brushed them off. They did order an ultrasound and I think the only reason they did that was because I had cancer and they were leaning to it being some really rare cancer. In my heart I knew that is wasn't cancer but I wanted that ultrasound so I took it.

So I had the ultrasound in July 2018. And the tech was very nice and was like wow your bowels seem very full, which later on I interpreted as slower digestion which is what happens when you are pregnant. She also left me a little gift when she was done and left the room. She left the pictures up and  pointing so I could see, there were a bunch of pictures with arrows pointing to a little something. And I thought for sure that the doctors office would call me saying that I was in fact pregnant. But when they called they told me I just had a 5mm fibroid. I asked why would I suddenly get a fibroid when there hadn't been one before? Since I had been doing a lot of research I asked if the my estrogen is so low, then how could I all of sudden have a fibroid since fibroids are produced generally because of estrogen? There was no response. And I took the hint that I was going to get no where with this and hung up. 

About a month later I logged into my hospital account and compared the 2 ultrasounds. Not one doctor could do that, glad I spent all that money on their expertise. So the ultrasound in April 2018 showed nothing much of interest. But when comparing it to my ultrasound in July 2018 there was a noticeable difference. First the 5mm fibroid that suddenly appeared. Next my ovaries were significantly larger and I remember a midwife telling me that the ovaries get bigger in the early stage of pregnancy because they are doing a bit more work. Next my uterine lining was about and inch thicker. Why would all of that be happening if I truly were post-menopausal? It was also confusing for me at that point because I knew so little about cryptic pregnancy and it was really hard to grasp the slow growth rate. 

So in August 2018 I went to my oncologist. I went for some routine bloodwork and honestly she was my last hope in the medical world. While I didn't always agree with her, she had seemed like a good person to me and knew that I was not crazy and maybe she could help me. My blood work all looked great and my HCG was once again 5. The funny thing is when she was examining me she would normally examine my spleen to look for swelling, Hodgkins can sometimes pop up there. But she didn't do that this time. I didn't really think twice. You would think with something clearly going on that there would be some concern from her especially with my medical history. She said "I'm not sure what is going on but come back in 6-8 weeks and we will see if anything has changed." Ok I thought that's something. So I went back in early October, hoping maybe she had stumbled upon some obscure medical journal, I often spoke to her about studies and things when concerning my cancer so she knew I was a person that tried to be as informed as possible. So I go back, get blood work. All great. HCG still 5. She doesn't examine me. I tell her what I eat and tell her I don't understand why I am gaining all this weight. I had upped my exercise and I ate a plant based mainly vegan diet. She googled a couple things and brought them to my attention and I said yes I have seen this already. Then she said " I don't really know why you are here?" And that was it. And as I was going to leave she said "You should probably just starting eating cookies and things again." Wow my last little bit of hope in the medical world. I decided right there that I would never go back. 

Next I had a midwife come to my house. She was kind of a hippie midwife and someone recommend that I would really like her. I didn't and just because I'm kind of a hippie doesn't mean I want some flaky person around me. I thought she would be less medicalized when they said hippie. But no she was a completely medicalized midwife just following all the rules. She was kind of a fake hippie and I just don't vibe with that. Anyway she brought out her doppler and I told her I felt things on my left side. And she said well then the baby would be on your right. So she tried for about a minute on the right side and heard nothing and I asked if she would move the doppler to the left a bit. But she said that made no sense. And spent another couple minutes and said that she heard nothing. Then my ex and her proceeded to speak about phantom pregnancy as if I were not there. And when she left he acted like nothing was wrong and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Truly, an empathetic human, hahaha. EYE ROLL. 

So that was it for medicalized people. I tried. They did not. Would you go to another medicalized person if you were me?

Luckily I found Anshin, I saw her in January 2019 and she was the first person to actually put her hands on my belly and really feel around and get in there. And surprise she found someone. She couldn't quite get a heartbeat but we could hear movement. I think the next appointment we heard a heartbeat. She took the time, had patience finding the baby, and listened to what I was saying. I went in trying to rationalize but I didn't need to do that with her. I told her what was going on she listened and there was no need to justify. She didn't make me feel crazy. And we didn't have a 15 minute appointment (oncologist) or 40 minute bullshit appointment where you just ignore everything I say.  

PART 2.

Well what about when you go into labor? You will go to a doctor then, right?

There is always a second part to this doctor question. Well what will you do when you go into labor? (Also I do pick up on that note of sarcasm in your voice when you say that to me, so go fuck off!)

For me the answer is no. I will not be going to a doctor when I go into labor. So what I did because I had absolutely no birth knowledge what so ever is a I began to read everything that I could. I began watching videos and just tried to immerse myself into the birth world as much as possible and gain as much knowledge as I could. I even took a very long, in depth, great course called 13 moons on indiebirth.com. I highly recommend it for women dealing with cryptic pregnancy and you normals out there too. 

Obviously knowledge is power and for me knowledge equates to owning my experience. And a lot of stress relief. I don't know what will happen but I have prepared myself as best as I possibly can. Now I must just trust and believe that everything will happen and be as it should. I believe in myself, in my babies, my intuition, and the universe (God, Allah, Buddha, Ancestors, Gods, whatever energy is out there I'm going with it)

I am about 2 years into this cryptic pregnancy and most days I feel completely balanced, I feel in tune with my body and I am just trying to embrace the unknown mystery that is cryptic pregnancy. I think I have processed a lot of emotions and I think that has helped me keep my head above water on this for the most part. After the first year, I have become more steady and the fragility that words and judgement can bring do not tear me down nearly as much as they did that first year.

I've found that keeping a positive mind set is key to keeping this pregnancy progressing and for keeping me in a great state of mind. I hate that pity me mind set and it bothers me when people are constantly in that mind set. 

But the other day I just completely and utterly lost it. I was attempting to move some stuff around the house and fix a few things. And of course things like that never go as planned. And I got frustrated, probably add in that I am just completely exhausted and haven't had time off in about 2 years. And a lot of days I just feel like I'm existing, go to work, try to eat healthy, rest when I can at work, so I'm not on my feet all day. Come home, take a bath, use a heating pad, and use some of my pain creams. Go to bed and hope I can get comfortable and get as much sleep as I can. And repeat. So I think that added to it but who knows maybe I needed this meltdown.

The meltdown began in a moment of frustration with the stupid thing I couldn't do and turned to why does everything have to be so difficult? I know pregnancy is not easy in a regular scenario but fuck this shit is down right brutal. Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't labor just start? Why is everything so straightforward for everyone else, all my friends and family that have had babies in the last 2 years? (About 9 lol) Why can't I just be normal? Why can't this pregnancy just be normal? Why me? After a few minutes of streaming tears I began to laugh, I mean this shit is just hilarious and its so fucked up to be so alone and have no support. So picture this I'm in my basement, sitting in the midst of an attempted home improvement project, and I am simultaneously bawling my eyes out and laughing. Its pretty hilarious looking back at it. After about 5 mins I calmed down and chilled out. And I was back to a good head space almost immediately. I'm not sure where it all went wrong but maybe I needed that meltdown, a feel sorry for myself minute and then back to it. I guess sometimes you really have to let yourself sink just for a bit to realize how much better things are when your head is above water. 

" I don't want children", this was something that I really felt from age 29 to 33. Recently I have been diving deep and trying to clear some blocked emotions and this is something that I truly needed to process and have been working on letting go. The reason that from 29 to 33 I did not want children was because I was dealing with cancer and the aftermath of cancer and cancer treatments. First of all I was in menopause so the likelihood of getting pregnant was pretty much non existent, my hormone levels at a certain point showed I was past menopause. And I did not want to think about adopting.

Cancer changed my life obviously in many bad ways and many good ways too. And on the bad side of change I was left feeling like cancer was always haunting me and even taunting me at times. If I would get some normalcy it would say nope, you are not doing that I am going to mess with you, you can not be a normal person. You can not plan a future or have hopes and dreams. Cancer will always control you. 

When you think about having kids, its all about the future, you will be there for them for a very long time, to take care of them and to love them. In the midst of all that had gone on with my health I just could not see that and it seemed foolish to me to want children and almost irresponsible. I always thought if their mom died how much I would fuck them up. At that point I was thinking what a horrible thing I would be doing by adopting (on a side note many adoption agencies will not deal with someone that has had cancer). What if I were to get sick again and die? Where would that leave my child? I said that to a few people and the common response was "well you could go outside and get hit by a car" and that response is complete and utter bull shit. I get the idea, we all do not know what is in store for us or when our time will come to an end. But for a while it seemed like I was in a game of frogger and I had one leg and a rock tied to the other leg. 

So I think that I have held onto this for a while. This fear that I won't be there for my children and that not having a mom will completely fuck them up. Being single and not having much support also adds to this but as more time has passed the cancer monster does not haunt me as much. It will probably always still pop up once in a while but it won't rule my every waking thought.
​
So I am just trying to let this go. I am very healthy now and I am doing all that I can to remain healthy. And at the end of the day that is all I can do.