I'm having a Cryptic Pregnancy

So without a doubt in my mind I am pregnant. I feel the baby move constantly. I have had the baby squish my ribs a lot. And luckily for me, I found a kickass midwife, that used a doppler and we can hear the heartbeat. So there is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

My story is pretty unique and my story actually begins while I was in the midst of different health crisis. At 29 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. It was supposed to be a simple treatment and all would be well but I did not respond to treatment.  At a certain point I thought death was around the corner, when your nurses are crying and your doctor has an expressionless face at your appointment (she put her guard up all the way) I knew it was really bad. So I switched my lifestyle, my diet and used cannabis oil. And was able to get to remission. But all of the harsh treatments destroyed my body and one of the things it did was put me in menopause at the age of 30. 

So for me after all of that I tried to process everything and continue to focus on health. I also processed the fact that I would not have children. That was a rough one but I accepted it as best as I could and made peace with the fact that I allowed myself to be a guinea pig in the medical world. 

So this amazing blessing that had been given to me; a second chance at life and it was going extremely well. I was able to continue a beautiful life, experience things, travel, and find my true passion which is helping sick people through natural methods. Helping people not go down the same road I did, listening to the medical world. 

At 34 my life was about to change again. I had been feeling off for a couple months and of course my mind always goes to cancer but it didn't feel like that, I have had that growing in me and I know what that feels like, this wasn't that. And something in the back of my mind told me I was pregnant. But how could that be I was in menopause, I tried to put that out of my mind but in April 2018 something just told me to take a test. So I took 3 of them. And to my surprise they all were positive. Shocked and amazed are not even close to what I felt. So I told my boyfriend and shit, he was so excited, we had been looking into adopting and just figuring out how to go about it all, so really our dreams were coming true. So I made an appointment as quickly as I could get one because without having a period how do you know how long you have been pregnant. So we did tests and blood work. And the next day they called and said there is no way you could be pregnant. The way she said it so matter of factly was pretty shitty and just an extra slap in the face. Man that sucked but something just didn't feel right. My body didn't feel like my body. And being so in tune with it, I knew something was off.

So my symptoms persisted; tired, nauseous, weight gain, and so I made more appointments over the next few months with different midwives, specialists, and saw my oncologist twice as well because at a certain point I was worried it could be cancer again. I had 2 ultrasounds in that span. (And actually when you compare them they are very different which I did months and months later.) All the while my stomach was getting bigger and I was exercising more because everyone told me I was just getting fat. My diet had not changed so what was going on. No one would help me. In the back of my mind the whole time I just knew I was pregnant. 

The last appointment I had with someone in the medical world was with a midwife in November 2018. She barely touched my stomach and used a doppler for a couple minutes. And said she found nothing. And my ex was there and he proceeded to tell her how this was a phantom pregnancy as though I was not even in the room. The way he spoke so matter of factly and assumed that I was just losing my shit just showcased how we were on completely different wave lengths. 

So I continued to know that I was pregnant. My stomach was getting bigger and I had been feeling kicks for a few months. So in January I made an appointment with a traditional midwife who helps women like me, I found her online and I had a video appointment with her in November. So we went to see her. I told my boyfriend to stay in the car because I didn't want to feel as though I was some lunatic for trusting my body. And being spoken about as though I was not even there. She is awesome and listened to what I had to say. And she actually examined my stomach. She got like right in there and said she found a baby. We also heard the baby on the doppler moving. I was so excited, I felt heard, someone actually touched my stomach. A person that looked at me as just a regular pregnant woman, not some insane phantom pregnancy person. 

Needless to say after that my ex was so skeptical. I told him with excitement about what happened at the appointment and he had no reaction. Later telling me that he thought she was taking advantage of me and that I was most definitely not pregnant. He moved out a few weeks later and honestly it felt great. Not to be judged and to be free to truly embrace the beautiful miracle that was happening to my body. I mean lets be real this is a fucking miracle. I was made a mutant by the medical world but somehow I got pregnant against all the odds. For a long time I was so mad at the medical world because they made me a mutant and then when I went to them for help they could not be bothered to help me at all or look at the whole picture. Now I am happy that they did that, I have been sent down a different path and have had to figure out a different way to tackle my pregnancy and my new life. And it has been a struggle and challenging and it still is but I just have to believe in myself and do the best I can. That's all any of us can do. 

So I have continued having appointments with the midwife. Baby is pretty big now and the heartbeat is way easier to find which is cool.  Also I have been using a fetoscope and can hear the heartbeat as well. I can feel the baby move all the time and I can feel it on the outside which is really fun. 

Physically it has been challenging, ever since my chemotherapy and stem cell transplant I have not been the same. Although I have worked very hard to get my body back to what it was, it will never be that again and so I think that has made this a bit more difficult because I am going on about a year and a half. And fatigue has been a big issue for me. At this point I am just taking it day by day. There are ups and downs like anything and some days I think fuck I can't do this anymore, how can I successfully run two businesses and be on my feet so much, and keep my shit together. And then there are other days when I can be fully immersed in it and just revel in the beauty that this cryptic pregnancy experience is and has been.

A lot of times I think of this quote when I try to rationalize how my cryptic pregnancy came to be.
Also you just have to laugh sometimes. 
https://youtu.be/oijEsqT2QKQ 

Much love,
Jen