Guide to Supporting women through cryptic pregnancy

1. Cryptic Pregnancy is real. Your partner or loved one is going through something very real regardless of what tests, doctors, and the medical world believe. The medical world only focuses on tests and while for most women that is enough, it is not in the case in cryptic pregnancy. Nothing is fool proof and as much as the medical world wants everyone to fit inside a neat little box, that's not the case. One size fits all medicine doesn't work with disease and it really doesn't work with cryptic pregnancy. Doctors do not take into account the whole story, to them this woman is just a number and test results. They never take into account her intuition or the fact that she knows her body better than a doctor. In the first 6 months of my cryptic pregnancy I went to seven different medical professionals, midwives, obgyns, even my oncologist twice, and not one person actually touched my stomach. In fact I went to specialist and I sat in her office for 45 minutes while we talked about my symptoms. At one of my appointments with an OB I asked her why I was gaining so much weight in my abdomen and she told me that sometimes throughout the day you swallow a lot of hot air and that was why my stomach was hard and distended. 

2. Each cryptic pregnancy is different and can be completely different experiences from one woman to the next. One woman could be pregnant for 9 months and not get medical confirmation, while another woman could be pregnant for much longer. Currently I'm in the midst of the latter, it has been at least a year and a half. 
    a. If she is the category of going past the typical 9 months please do not ask when she is due. And please do not tell her to go see a doctor. She has and it is torture. There is already a huge back and forth within a woman's mind when she goes past a year. And so much of that has to do with her throwing out all of those preconceived notions about what is typical during pregnancy. 
     b. In the same breathe you also need to work on throwing out those preconceived notions, if you are going to be properly supportive. There is nothing worse than feeling constantly judged or second guessed by the ones that you love. On a side note my ex was really great at judging and second guessing me, and there are too many stories from him, to family, to friends, to really adequately equate how painful all of it has been. Perhaps another post is in order. They range from funny to horribly belittling.
              *** If you are a woman going through this know that you are beautiful, powerful, and capable. You will get through this do not allow others to dictate how you feel about yourself and or this pregnancy. Trust in yourself and your intuition and know that you are enough. 

3. Be there for her just as you would any other pregnant woman. She is going through the same things typical pregnant women go through. She might need someone to speak with in moments of self doubt. She might just need someone to help her around the house or get her something she's craving. Just be there for her. It doesn't have to be anything special just be there for her in a place where she feels safe and not judged. Pregnancy is not easy and cryptic pregnancy is a particularly difficult experience. 

4. Trust in her instincts and intuition. If she feels a certain way or says things are going on, trust her. This woman is in your life for a reason whether as a partner or loved one. Why would she lie to you about this, why would any woman want to deal with cryptic pregnancy. I will be honest for me right now, it is definitely not sunshine and rainbows. My feet are swollen, I feel like a huge whale, I'm tired, I'm nauseous, and in general just over it. Why would I want this to be my reality for months. I enjoy being active and right now I'm really good at laying down. 

5. Go with the flow. I learned early on the harder I tried to rationalize things and brush them off the more internal turmoil I felt. We as women are just doing the best we can in the moment. And you as the support person need to see that and in turn go with the flow. If you go against the river it is much harder than going with it. Our bodies are in control of this and we just have to go with this mysterious river or else it will swallow us. It is not always easy but please for her sake, please try your very best. 

6. Love your cryptic pregnancy woman. She is a warrior and you are incredibly lucky to have such a fucking, amazing woman in your life. 


Much love,
Jen (CP haver lol, 18 months)